A new provost every 1.5 years.
Evening, everyone! Congratulations are on order….. Special thanks to Soccer Daddy in his efforts to bring THE CHANGE. There is no doubt that this was the result of his/her efforts. People get what they deserve and in life you gain what you plant. Nobody should be humiliated the way the Hookah Master was….. but he treated many people in the same way, so good riddance and good luck! We are sure Egypt, the Hookah Center of the world will gladly have the Master. He can restart his educational/smoking chain there and expand it. The truth is, the Hookah Master’s ongoing health issues and loss of weight have made him less attractive and unable to satisfy the needs of The Man Himself. The rise to power of the Hookah Master brought about tremendous change at the Institution. Most Spiderfatty minions were replaced with Hookah Master minions. Everyone else had to find an urgent cure to the highly contagious mohanneditis, a condition which causes in its victims the irrepressible desire to finish sentences with dots of varying length……. Like this…………. or… like…… this..….. In very advanced stages, this condition manifests… itself… in…. the middle….. of sentences too…. and…. even.… between… words.……. But, alas, no more! Good news! All those with advanced stages of the disease can now come out of the closet. The reign of the Hookah Master is over.
While the minions at the Lesser Institution are throwing a party, the minions at the Greater Institution are in suspense. Yes Man, the Meek is certainly troubled. Reporters from our confidential WhatsApp group have seen him in the male restroom, in a torn shirt and with disheveled hair, raving madly in brutal excess at male staff attempting to wash their bums. Later that evening, the Meek went on wandering around the streets around the university. He has been spotted in Egaila, steering an empty trash can, mumbling about his empty CV. AUM News Weekly will soon open a CV service and will be inviting him to submit it online. This will certainly improve its contents. AUM News Weekly will also be accepting CV files from future candidates to AUM. We can tell you if you have what it takes to be a part of this adventure.
The last minutes of the Hookah Master’s departure were filled with many events. The Meek, and the rest of the idiotic minion suite rushed to Dr Love’s office, filing petty cash forms and requisitions for hardcore drugs and industrial spec lubricants. Nothing will help, dears. Spiderfatty has used his time at ACM wisely to gain his strength. Rumor has it that he went for a beauty treatment on a certain body part to be able to cope with the ever-expanding AUM crew. Good luck, lads! Mohaned is a firm believer that everyone has a given number of holes – 2 for males and 3 for females. Wrong thought he may be, he believes they must be filled in fully and constantly till you bleed and then you get some more. This is how he plays. Tough!
After the news fell on Sunday, male and female bathrooms were filled by Hookah Master’s obedient followers crying their eyes out. The university ran out of tissues. Meanwhile, the Finger was seen in his office, concentrated on sniffing his finger. @chachadee, you and your finger will see better days, now that anal fingering will be an institutional policy, approved by Spiderfatty.
Dr 5G’s department was in upheaval when he ordered the math professors to work out an algorithm for dealing with the change. The smartest idea came from the Turkish gang. It is very simple - get even more Turkish people. Others debated if they can steal the HPC and sell it before they get fired. They would need no further loans from Burgan Bank.
The Invisible gathered the industrial engineering department, saying “We need to stand together. Please follow me. Lead and don’t come to the university at all. Chances are they will not realize anything about our disappearance. I am telling you, lads, I have been doing it for years. And everything goes away.”
Dr Please-don’t-fire-me-I-have-kids rushed to Suhail from HR, asking for the outstanding school payments to secure another year of his kids’ education. Rumor has it that he is in touch with his dodgy university in France to buy some more of their degrees. If they decide to pick up the phone…
One legged-one eyed HOD the Younger tried to gather his department for an urgent meeting. Unfortunately, no one was there. He carried out his meeting in front of the bathroom mirror, stating “I am good, I am great, I am good, I am great, I am not crazy, I am as good as my students!” He continued until the security took him to a mental institution nearby, where he combed the one hair on his scull from the left to the right, rather than from the right to the left, and was amazed at the result.
The Sparkplug rushed to the robotics club and had a meeting with the cleaners and the security staff in the ground floor. He had two points to make – everything is the same until further notice. Please come in the morning and leave in the evening as usual. To be fair to him, his speech with very motivating, asking everyone to continue with the gooood job they are doing.
Dr Muscle went to the GYM advising the MIS department to look after their health in this difficult time. His famous line went “Don’t work too hard, relax, the gym is what we all need to maintain AUM where it is, God bless and good night. I promise you all that I will come up with the real reason behind this change. I told you I know the real Soccerdady, I do, I told you I do, no one believes me, see that what happens when you don’t believe me!”
The Slug and his friend Shorty were troubled but happy. All they could think about is the great ACM party that they need to organize. They entitled it “the end of an era is the begging of a new one…” They will drink to this from the smuggled alcohol they bought from some lady in the Art department.
Madam Rude, went to the XXXL actresses asking if Mohaned likes fat chicks. “I am very flexible” is what she said. They had a lengthy conversation about his taste on women and his preferred skirt length. After a long debate they decided to go for Dati’s style. Expect fake fat asses to fill in the campus from tomorrow.
Yo-man, went to the Finger asking about the future of the IMA competition. The Finger put everything on hold. No changes please. Please no changes. Mohaned does not like changes so no changes. A quiet moment passed. Then he looked at Yo-Man and asked him if 50 Shades of Gray is a good read.
Glinda the Good was overheard laughing hysterically in her office. Our sources claim that she was a secret spy and ardent supporter of Spiderfatty. Nobody really knows the full extent of their relationship. EWW was seen sneaking out of her office before 5 pm, using the last moments of freedom before the advent of the new Spiderfatty era. The Minion was seen carrying a life-sized portrait of his old new master out of his office.
But what is going on with those crazy arts people? It seems that a dissenter has appeared in their midst and that she has been writing letters to The Man Himself. What are her links to the Terrible Arts Trio that got fired this time last year? Are there any? Let us know if you have any leads!