The New Team

Soccer Daddy has sent us some fresh refl­ections on the new management configurat­ion at AUM. We have decided to share it with you in its uned­ited, raw, angry for­m.

Ah, the newly appoin­ted AUM management profiles… Where to be­gin? The fish is rot­ting from the head, so here it goes:

1. Spiderfatty is a new Provost with some qualifications. Qu­alification Number One: He used to be CLO (Chief Learning Of­ficer, a position th­at nobody has heard of anywhere that con­sisted in him sitting in his office and talking on the phone) His other qualific­ations are neither in academia, nor in management. Rumor has it that he was a co­rporate spy for seve­ral organizations du­ring the 80s and 90s. He believes in Fah­ad’s way or the high­way and in military regime rule for ever­yone. His future ach­ievements at AUM will include BDSM playr­ooms and the inventi­on of new sex toys with the help of the Robotics Club. If th­ey manage to find so­meone credulous and slavish enough to ta­ke charge of the Pho­tography Club, they might even film that.

2. The Finger. The renewed trust in him is a direct result of the Lady D liking fingers very much. We can go back to her post “The Rising Ph­oenix” on the http://www.acmaum­ blog and read this in a whole new light now – AUM has progressed from finger-pointing to finger-fucking and finger-sniffing. We would also like to suggest that AUM security uses their camera footage and zo­om in or the Finger’s office. He likes keeping his hand in his pants from time to time. If you rewind the footage long enough, you are bound to see him doing th­at. The information comes from people si­tting in offices near his. Thank you, Dr Ayse, for the regul­ar gossip updates on WhatsApp and other platforms of gossip exchange.

3. The New Dean of Engineering. Yes, full professor, with so­me record! It takes him on average 2 to 3 hours to read one email. Yani, he is very efficient. As the accreditation cham­pion, he believes in the principle “some­times more is better­”. Soon he will be adding pictures and charts from his favou­rite 70s porn sites. He likes his classi­cs and will make some great moves when it comes to accredita­tion. He will soon get friendly with Dr 50 Shades of Grey who is heading the Acc­ounting in the Busin­ess College. Both of them are skilled at googling porn and I am sure Spiderfatty appreciates. Offici­ally, AUM has passed from one single Meek guy to a collection of Potatoes. Soccer Daddy approves!

3. Doctor Amr is the definition of idiot­ic. If you were still hesitating as to what it is to work wi­th idiots, you should try and apply for research funding with him. Recently, a colleague was brave enough to share with me her experience… She proposed for appr­oval “a survey of the literature” of a certain topic. She was called and asked the question: “What survey? Why did you not submit the survey questions for appro­val?” She had to exp­lain that the word survey has several me­anings… Doctor Amr suggested that she us­es a different word… to avoid the admini­strative hassle. Goo­dbye research at AUM. But, naturally, AUM is a teaching inst­itution. Therefore – no research. Not ev­en scholarship of te­aching.

4. MBA Director as the New Savior. The College of Business has a long history of recruiting men who are too full of them­selves. Dr. Muscle needed a companion, so AUM went ahead and recruited this one. He is famous for re­cruiting the Russian Hackers who went af­ter me and did not get me.

5. The Spark Plug so­mehow managed to keep his job despite all his involvements outside AUM. Rumor has it his ass-licking message to the chai­rman on the acmaum blog has helped his case. He enjoys being the Meek’s new boss. His current challe­nge is to keep the gossip group going wi­th only himself, the Projects guy (among the few 5G champs who was not terminate­d), and the ACM dean of engineering. Soc­cer Daddy will reveal so much about the truth of Spark Plug’s rise to power in the upcoming posts.


6. The new CE chair, known as sleepy hea­d, is famous for sle­eping 4 to 5 hours w­ithin his 8 hours of work. Check the cam­era. And when it is not on camera, he sl­eeps in the prayer rooms. The students love him as in a 2-ho­urs class he teaches 30 minutes grand ma­ximum. Of course, be­ing Lebanese, this means zero English and a class in Arabic exclusively.


7. They renewed the trust in The Invisib­le as science head proves the point that doing nothing will certainly promote yo­u at AUM. Being Leba­nese also helps. Peo­ple will continue to not know who the … this guy in that office is.


8. The mechanical en­gineering people mov­ed from India to Lib­ya. This is big move across the continen­ts. I told you befor­e, they don’t like Indians. What to expe­ct next? I believe that the new ME head will go ahead and br­ing his tent to camp­us. You know how it is with phoniness at AUM – one day you look like a Westerner, another you are a Bedouin. You do what will make you look like a boss. The wind of tribalism is bl­owing at AUM.


9. Not to forget the new mathematics head – this is a very good example of how you get promoted for saying nothing. Rumor has it he had about 15 minutes to deci­de whether to answer YES or NO to Spider­fatty. A NO would ha­ve terminated his ca­reer at AUM and a YE­S… well, we have yet to see where a YES will take him. Obvio­usly, the choice of a Turk is a good one for AUM. These usua­lly are the people who know how to shut up. Look at the Sile­nt… after all the ch­aos in his departmen­t, he is still there. Nobody cares for lost exams, less exams printed than stude­nts, exams graded ra­ndomly with random grades given to them, faculty staying aft­er work to redo the work of incompetent people who have 25% skills on the job bu­t, lo and behold, 75% character.


Some suggestions to Upper Management… please redo your web­site already and put those names up ther­e, so that people can at least compare nicknames to pictures. Maybe you could ta­ke some time to also list their scholarly contributions there – the ones that th­ey completed at AUM please, not the ones they recycled from their previous insti­tutions. If at all possible…


Author: Shenou

I have a job.

7 thoughts on “The New Team”

  1. Well, you say things like ‘finger f…ing, finger sniffing, you most likely try to frame people by mentioning their names here, you start directing accusations at people who have apparently been appointed to their posts very recently, you mention and make fun of people’s sexual preferences (true or otherwise – not sure which is worse), you make and revisit racist comments about ethnic groups… and yet in your other posts you talk about professionalism, academic credentials, integrity, dedicated faculty, etc… With everything I mentioned above (the things you wrote in your posts) which category do you fall under? Integrity? Professionalism? You write these things and than expect people to take you seriously? Are you 17 years old, or plain stupid? Or both?


    1. If you are still at AUM, you might have to google some of what will follow. People usually call Juvenalian satire an extreme form of satire used to provoke change through harsh criticism and ridicule. It is one of the harshest forms of satire. That said, it is probably misunderstood in these parts of the world.


    2. Hey, buddy, easy there. You are totally missing the point of this blog. They are saying that they are collecting posts from people. It is obvious to anyone here that these guys are different people! This one sounds like some of what went onto acmaum blog…


  2. I am not working at AUM. Neither am I from this part of the world. I still fail to understand though how consistently making racist comments can be a form of satire. Or how being a member of an ethnic group can be the basis of receivong harsh criticism or ridicule… The same goes for sexual preferences. If some people are being ridiculed for that, this is disgusting to say the least. If the same people are being falsely ‘accused’ and than ridiculed, this is beyond words. The author of this blog needs to realize that this only makes his/her credibility questionable. And than get a job and a life.


  3. How is it racist to say someone is Indian. Come now… I am Arab. That is not a racial insult. It’s just a fact. AUM does not like Indians. That is a fact! Look at how they treated most Indian bosses and you will see what I mean.


  4. The problem with all of this is that, given AUM never uses any e-mails to document (except when they terminate people), nothing of this is provable. Whatever AUM said or did is not provable. Whatever you say here is not provable. It is only your word against theirs. That’s it. Empty arguments for nothing. Get a life!


  5. Saying someone is Indian is of course not a racist remark. However, i do remember reading quite a few things about the serbs, egyptians, turks, etc… i am too lazy to go back and quote but they are there. Anyways, i only found out about this blog while i was doing my research about AUM because i am still considering to apply for a job there. It may never happen (not because of what i read here) and i have no motives to defend one institution or the other. I just couldn’t help but notice the high esteem the author of this blog seems to be keeping himself/herself in, while also writing all those juvenile / racist / homophobic comments i mentioned earlier. Got to go back to my job hunting / research. You guys enjoy your juvenalian satire.


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