Soccer Daddy has sent us some fresh reflections on the new management configuration at AUM. We have decided to share it with you in its unedited, raw, angry form.
Ah, the newly appointed AUM management profiles… Where to begin? The fish is rotting from the head, so here it goes:
1. Spiderfatty is a new Provost with some qualifications. Qualification Number One: He used to be CLO (Chief Learning Officer, a position that nobody has heard of anywhere that consisted in him sitting in his office and talking on the phone) His other qualifications are neither in academia, nor in management. Rumor has it that he was a corporate spy for several organizations during the 80s and 90s. He believes in Fahad’s way or the highway and in military regime rule for everyone. His future achievements at AUM will include BDSM playrooms and the invention of new sex toys with the help of the Robotics Club. If they manage to find someone credulous and slavish enough to take charge of the Photography Club, they might even film that.
2. The Finger. The renewed trust in him is a direct result of the Lady D liking fingers very much. We can go back to her post “The Rising Phoenix” on the http://www.acmaum.wordpress.com blog and read this in a whole new light now – AUM has progressed from finger-pointing to finger-fucking and finger-sniffing. We would also like to suggest that AUM security uses their camera footage and zoom in or the Finger’s office. He likes keeping his hand in his pants from time to time. If you rewind the footage long enough, you are bound to see him doing that. The information comes from people sitting in offices near his. Thank you, Dr Ayse, for the regular gossip updates on WhatsApp and other platforms of gossip exchange.
3. The New Dean of Engineering. Yes, full professor, with some record! It takes him on average 2 to 3 hours to read one email. Yani, he is very efficient. As the accreditation champion, he believes in the principle “sometimes more is better”. Soon he will be adding pictures and charts from his favourite 70s porn sites. He likes his classics and will make some great moves when it comes to accreditation. He will soon get friendly with Dr 50 Shades of Grey who is heading the Accounting in the Business College. Both of them are skilled at googling porn and I am sure Spiderfatty appreciates. Officially, AUM has passed from one single Meek guy to a collection of Potatoes. Soccer Daddy approves!
3. Doctor Amr is the definition of idiotic. If you were still hesitating as to what it is to work with idiots, you should try and apply for research funding with him. Recently, a colleague was brave enough to share with me her experience… She proposed for approval “a survey of the literature” of a certain topic. She was called and asked the question: “What survey? Why did you not submit the survey questions for approval?” She had to explain that the word survey has several meanings… Doctor Amr suggested that she uses a different word… to avoid the administrative hassle. Goodbye research at AUM. But, naturally, AUM is a teaching institution. Therefore – no research. Not even scholarship of teaching.
4. MBA Director as the New Savior. The College of Business has a long history of recruiting men who are too full of themselves. Dr. Muscle needed a companion, so AUM went ahead and recruited this one. He is famous for recruiting the Russian Hackers who went after me and did not get me.
5. The Spark Plug somehow managed to keep his job despite all his involvements outside AUM. Rumor has it his ass-licking message to the chairman on the acmaum blog has helped his case. He enjoys being the Meek’s new boss. His current challenge is to keep the gossip group going with only himself, the Projects guy (among the few 5G champs who was not terminated), and the ACM dean of engineering. Soccer Daddy will reveal so much about the truth of Spark Plug’s rise to power in the upcoming posts.
6. The new CE chair, known as sleepy head, is famous for sleeping 4 to 5 hours within his 8 hours of work. Check the camera. And when it is not on camera, he sleeps in the prayer rooms. The students love him as in a 2-hours class he teaches 30 minutes grand maximum. Of course, being Lebanese, this means zero English and a class in Arabic exclusively.
7. They renewed the trust in The Invisible as science head proves the point that doing nothing will certainly promote you at AUM. Being Lebanese also helps. People will continue to not know who the … this guy in that office is.
8. The mechanical engineering people moved from India to Libya. This is big move across the continents. I told you before, they don’t like Indians. What to expect next? I believe that the new ME head will go ahead and bring his tent to campus. You know how it is with phoniness at AUM – one day you look like a Westerner, another you are a Bedouin. You do what will make you look like a boss. The wind of tribalism is blowing at AUM.
9. Not to forget the new mathematics head – this is a very good example of how you get promoted for saying nothing. Rumor has it he had about 15 minutes to decide whether to answer YES or NO to Spiderfatty. A NO would have terminated his career at AUM and a YES… well, we have yet to see where a YES will take him. Obviously, the choice of a Turk is a good one for AUM. These usually are the people who know how to shut up. Look at the Silent… after all the chaos in his department, he is still there. Nobody cares for lost exams, less exams printed than students, exams graded randomly with random grades given to them, faculty staying after work to redo the work of incompetent people who have 25% skills on the job but, lo and behold, 75% character.
Some suggestions to Upper Management… please redo your website already and put those names up there, so that people can at least compare nicknames to pictures. Maybe you could take some time to also list their scholarly contributions there – the ones that they completed at AUM please, not the ones they recycled from their previous institutions. If at all possible…