Our reporters spoke to a few AUMers who were leaving for the holidays. They have reported that the newest fad at AUM is spending all of your day in your fishbowl office.
“It all started with my neighbour who had an informal contest with one of the new guys. They bet 150 KD on how long they can spend in their glass offices without coming out,” one veteran says. “I have been here for 105 days now, 5 days past probation, and I consider myself a real veteran. But I have not seen anything like it. By the next day, one of them had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner in his office, and the other had managed to find a way of napping without getting noticed by the cameras. They gave one another breaks to go and shower in the gym.”
“When AUM put the new glass offices up, we all hated the idea. Imagine the lack of privacy! Because AUM encourages innovative research, I spent several months researching my colleagues’ toilet-going patterns. As my transparent office happened to be in front of the men’s toilet, I had a very good sample of subjects and I could gather big data. We even have the technology now to treat this big data! And now that I have grown to understand them better, through my top-notch research, I am very thankful to actually be sitting in a glass office, rather than a normal one,” another veteran claimed.
“Indeed, transparent offices are proven to increase productivity, efficiently and effectively, as well as kindly,” the winner of the office-sitting contest explained to our reporter. “I have now mastered the art of using all adverbs favoured by AUM management because I can appropriately and professionally see the screen of my neighbour who happens to be in middle management.”
Recent rumors claim that the Provost has proposed a new award to be distributed to AUM faculty – The Transparent Office Excellence Award. It is to be attributed to faculty who have managed to sit in their transparent office for the longest period of time from one academic year to the next. We believe that this will certainly motivate everyone and boost their morale. This award will come in replacement of the university-level excellence awards as their recipients have, until now, proven highly unreliable and have for this reason been terminated with immediate effect.
Spiderfatty and his new minions, the newly-formed gossip group, led by the Baptist and the Spark Plug along with the new dean Mr Couch Potato, have decided to reform the graduation projects. The previous reform had been done by the Hookah Master and the Minion. And even before that by Dr Jujubee himself. But AUM cannot have policies by people who are no longer with them – the moment someone leaves, everything must change. The moment the woman who designed the petty cash form it out, the whole place will be buzzing with creative people busy with new layouts for the petty cash… AUM changed the look of its official papers and its color scheme as many times as a designer in Marketing was fired. Same goes with the projects. We should not forget that when the Meek took over on his own for a period of time, he basically acted as if he had invented everything by trying look very wise and following the Hookah Master everywhere and in everything (more updates on the Meek’s new life coming soon).
Anyway! What is new with the graduation projects? While we might agree that change is good, “change is whate we do” to quote the AUM website, the Gossip Group has shared with us their idea of things. Wait for it … Are you ready for it? Graduation projects will be taught in classrooms with unified assignments. Isn’t this an amazing idea to kill off the scanty originality and uniqueness our students were capable of? But why, you may wonder? What is wrong with this? Good question! It is because HR and Registrar are confused. The assistants don’t get it. That means the Lady D doesn’t get it either. Nobody gets it. This shows you clearly how AUM works – faculty need to please the services that are supposed to be of service to them, not the other way around. Of course, if you get your idiotic faculty (and the Gossip Group) to follow the mighty orders from Spiderfatty, this will have unsurpassed results, usually ending in general chaos. Meanwhile, the Spark Plug will be extending his support to Patrick Star – the new robotics club leader who deals in fake robotics achievements (MORE on that latter).
So here are the advantages of the newly proposed graduation project scheme:
1) Pay the faculty less
2) The Egg knows what he is doing
3) Lady D understands something for the first time
4) Spiderfatty reaches his aim of making Engineering projects exactly like HR capstone projects
5) The gossip group get to implement an idea for the first time
No one cares about best practice worldwide. No one cares about how well this worked for the students over the last few years and no one cares about academic integrity. Welcome to AUM!