Living in a fish bowl 24/7 is the newest fad at AUM

Our reporters spoke to a few AUMers who were leaving for the holidays. They have reported that the newest fad at AUM is spending all of your day in your fishbowl office.

“It all started with my neighbour who had an informal contest with one of the new guys. They bet 150 KD on how long they can spend in their glass offices without coming out,” one veteran says. “I have been here for 105 days now, 5 days past probation, and I consider myself a real veteran. But I have not seen anything like it. By the next day, one of them had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner in his office, and the other had managed to find a way of napping without getting noticed by the cameras. They gave one another breaks to go and shower in the gym.”

“When AUM put the new glass offices up, we all hated the idea. Imagine the lack of privacy! Because AUM encourages innovative research, I spent several months researching my colleagues’ toilet-going patterns. As my transparent office happened to be in front of the men’s toilet, I had a very good sample of subjects and I could gather big data. We even have the technology now to treat this big data! And now that I have grown to understand them better, through my top-notch research, I am very thankful to actually be sitting in a glass office, rather than a normal one,” another veteran claimed.

“Indeed, transparent offices are proven to increase productivity, efficiently and effectively, as well as kindly,” the winner of the office-sitting contest explained to our reporter. “I have now mastered the art of using all adverbs favoured by AUM management because I can appropriately and professionally see the screen of my neighbour who happens to be in middle management.”

Recent rumors claim that the Provost has proposed a new award to be distributed to AUM faculty – The Transparent Office Excellence Award. It is to be attributed to faculty who have managed to sit in their transparent office for the longest period of time from one academic year to the next. We believe that this will certainly motivate everyone and boost their morale. This award will come in replacement of the university-level excellence awards as their recipients have, until now, proven highly unreliable and have for this reason been terminated with immediate effect.


AUM Slogans

You will see below a series of slogans that can be found all across AUM. Native speakers, while there still were some left at AUM, offered to proofread these slogans but their offer was declined. The result is comic:

There are a few of these that, if analysed, can tell you a lot about what kind of a place AUM is. Take for example this:

“Decide what you want. Decide what you are willing to exchange for it.” It is very simple. If you want to work for AUM, you must be ready to exchange for it all of your integrity. You will have to leave that in front of the gate before you swipe in to work. You will get some money in exchange but you will be forever changed. You will live in fear. You will auto-censor yourself continually. Decide what you want.

“Establish your priorities and go to work.” This is an amazing example of AUM work ethic. There is no work-life balance at AUM. There only is continual, meaningless slavery. At all levels, AUM is not about a mission or a vision. Both of these are a façade. Your priorities right now if you are still with us at AUM should be to quickly find a new job. Do not wait. Life will not wait for you.

In Support of ACMAUM Review Folks

AUM News Weekly has heard of the reports filed against ACMAUM Review and the other blogs. We would like to express our support of all contributors and all those who maintain these blogs. They are courageous and brave. They have our full support. We are not at war with one another as a commentator said in a comment that we have moderated. We are not allies either – we operate independently.

We have received an anonymous threat accusing us for working for another institution in Kuwait, namely one of the other private universities which we will not cite. This is not true. What we do here at AUM News Weekly is very simple – we publish every single item that is sent to us. We do not request from our contributors to reveal their identity and if they ask us to hide some of the information about them, we do that.

Dear ACM/AUM Top Management,

Here is why you cannot do anything against our blogs:

  1. We are exercising our right to free speech which is guaranteed even in Kuwait.
  2. What is published on all the blogs is one of the three following things:
  • Parody or satire. Humour is allowed even in Kuwait. The fact that you are taking it seriously only speaks for itself.
  • Criticism for the sake of improvement. When you do not listen to constructive feedback, it is bound to get out of hand. When your employees are afraid to talk to their superiors, they come to us! When you mistreat your people, disrespect them, threaten them and suppress their freedoms, they have the right to protest.
  • The simple truth! Go ahead and prove that what is written in the documents we have published is not reality. Many of our correspondents at AUM have sent us mails that we have not published yet. They also are true, whether you have deleted them from your servers or not. To prove any statement about grade changes, one only need look at any CD of any course folder.

Everyone out there has the right to hear the two sides of the story. Your HR personnel tends to hide some parts of the truth to potential employees and it is our duty to inform them of what awaits.

Your HR personnel and even yourselves accused the terminated people of grave mistakes. The mail sent by The Man Himself to the entire university was full of lies. That is why we published it. You have mistreated, threatened and accused many people wrongfully, and in so doing have provoked their anger. Now, you must reap the consequences of what follows.

Go,! We are proud that you started your own blog and we have added a link to it on ours.

A Lady’s Curriculum Vitae

In our series “Guess Whose CV It Is”, we are posting the below account of the life of a highly popular lady we recently featured in pictures. Heading the notorious “Bitches Circle”, she possesses unsurpassed talents that will be revealed to you below in the writing of Dr Invisible who has nothing better to do but send us his fantasies of his manager. Read below:

General Profile
I am a spoiled brat. Got divorced after popping out 4 kids. I am very good at sleeping around to go up the ladder. Finally, I got a stable affair that goes along with a stable job. I like to treat people like shit and get away with it. I feel sad and angry when they say I did not fuck them up properly. In such cases, I contribute to anti-AUM blogs.

Finished high school. Then enrolled for a Bachelor degree, where I was hoping to meet a lot of bachelors but did not. Got some diploma after many challenging years, but it required sleeping with most professors. Other than that, I am physically qualified for anything, really (see section Services).

A+ – BI – CIM – Cpls – DUO – OWO – FK – GFE – Massage – Party Girl – PVC/Latex – Sub or Dom, yani I can do both depending who you are – Water sports – StripT maybe, depends on your paycheck

Previous Experience
High End Escorts in the Middle East. I had very fancy trips and important clients. I enjoy Dubai very much. I helped build AUM by sleeping around with an endless number of people.

Current Experience
I fire everyone who sleeps with me and doesn’t call me back. Yani, I am very bitchy like that. And I looove it.
I am working very hard on spicing things up with The Man Himself. We try different things those days, like experimenting with employees, yani, we like it.
I reject everything to look smart and important. Sometimes I wear leopard prints for the same purpose.
I write fancy posts on anti-AUM blogs and use the fancy title “The Rising Phoenix”.
I surround myself with fellow escorts and bitches from Campus XLife and Media Team.
Used the rat-faced HR biatch to be our slave. Yani, we like it. She washed our cars and held towels very well.

Future Plans
A.   Striving to keep the affairs going with The Man Himself. He started looking around for others because my parts are sagging. I need to get them redone. Ordered boxes of pills recently through our XProcurement Department. Blamed and terminated some faculty for stealing from us. In fact, we used the money to buy more toys.
B.   If Plan A doesn’t work, I am planning to find another rich guy for the same purposes. A woman has to do what a woman has to do.

The Mysterious Acquaintance of Lady D

One of our reporters has noticed that the Lady D is meeting with a mysterious man in a local cafe. What is she doing there while the rest of you are hard at work? It has come to our attention that she is meeting this man in various places around Egaila, but always avoiding the immediate vicinity of the university. Has she been taking legal advice? From the looks of it, and the multiplication of blogs these few days, she probably needs it!

A Letter from a Concerned Professor

Dear AUM News Weekly, 

I want you to publish a few thoughts I gathered during the past few weeks that relate to the way we see our students and our work at AUM.

We are as good as our students

This is AUM’s motto. Most of us ridicule this, and we always laugh at that line. In fact, not a single soul at AUM takes it seriously. We do not because:

  1. No professor has a say in student admissions. None of us know what the entry exams are, nor do we grade them. We all believe the criteria are commercial, rather than educational. 
  2. No professor has a say in the final grades of  students for two very simple reasons – the gradebook contains countless assignments and quizzes for 0.0005% and the overall grades are constantly curved. AUM mistakenly believes that to be “student-oriented”, it must keep students busy all the time with tests and assignments, and that this must eventually be rewarded with a pass garade. We do not spend time teaching them; we spend time writing exams and tests.
  3. No matter what we do, students know that they will pass. Their diploma has 0 value. Not only is it not accredited, but it also has become the object of a moneyed exchange – “Give me, Doctor.” And out of fear of Student Afairs conplaints, some Doctors give. Many students are here because their parents want to marry them off for a better dowry. Many others are here to socialize. 

Only those of us who are at AUM for the money are actually as good as our students. And new recruits will be increasingly so as AUM will have more and more trouble recruiting quality professors. 

It is curious, however, that AUM demands of its staff something it calls “character “. 

A friend and colleague of mine took this picture when he was going for the interview. He was concerned about how he would work with people who have 25% technical knowledge in their Engineering domain. How to teach future engineers when you, yourself, have not acquired even 50% of the knowledge you need in order to perform your job? He told me that he wondered then if he corresponds to the “We are as good as our students” motto and hoped that he would be among those pioneering teachers to raise the level of that 25%… 

Four years later he is jobless for having only done his job, which is teach, and for trying to raise the level of these students. He was hoping to give Kuwait a future. But that did not go along AUM’s idea of what it wants to do. AUM raises a generation of students who know how to buy with what is not their own money, a generation of make-believe fakers who only care about looks, not about substance. So having a character to value genuine learning and knowledge is not part of what AUM means by “character”. “Character” for AUM means “shut up and pretend you are intelligent”. If you need to do something, go and pay some Indian/Pakistani guys to do it for you. That is why most AUM students fail both midterm and final exams, and that is why they have three midterms and a final of 20%.