Living in a fish bowl 24/7 is the newest fad at AUM

Our reporters spoke to a few AUMers who were leaving for the holidays. They have reported that the newest fad at AUM is spending all of your day in your fishbowl office.

“It all started with my neighbour who had an informal contest with one of the new guys. They bet 150 KD on how long they can spend in their glass offices without coming out,” one veteran says. “I have been here for 105 days now, 5 days past probation, and I consider myself a real veteran. But I have not seen anything like it. By the next day, one of them had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner in his office, and the other had managed to find a way of napping without getting noticed by the cameras. They gave one another breaks to go and shower in the gym.”

“When AUM put the new glass offices up, we all hated the idea. Imagine the lack of privacy! Because AUM encourages innovative research, I spent several months researching my colleagues’ toilet-going patterns. As my transparent office happened to be in front of the men’s toilet, I had a very good sample of subjects and I could gather big data. We even have the technology now to treat this big data! And now that I have grown to understand them better, through my top-notch research, I am very thankful to actually be sitting in a glass office, rather than a normal one,” another veteran claimed.

“Indeed, transparent offices are proven to increase productivity, efficiently and effectively, as well as kindly,” the winner of the office-sitting contest explained to our reporter. “I have now mastered the art of using all adverbs favoured by AUM management because I can appropriately and professionally see the screen of my neighbour who happens to be in middle management.”

Recent rumors claim that the Provost has proposed a new award to be distributed to AUM faculty – The Transparent Office Excellence Award. It is to be attributed to faculty who have managed to sit in their transparent office for the longest period of time from one academic year to the next. We believe that this will certainly motivate everyone and boost their morale. This award will come in replacement of the university-level excellence awards as their recipients have, until now, proven highly unreliable and have for this reason been terminated with immediate effect.

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AUM now taking education to a whole new level

According to a paid commercial article in Forbes Middle East, AUM is taking education in Kuwait to “another level“. Yes, it is – to another level of illiteracy, judging by the skills of the copywriter…┬áThe article is a very weak attempt at advertising the university that pales in comparison to the blogs that everyone contributes to. AUM, it might be a good idea to improve your website instead of tracking bloggers.

For its comeback, AUM News Weekly has interviewed an inmate of the institution who claims that The Man Himself is a regular client of Forbes Middle East. It seems that Fahad paid for a couple of articles, as well as a gold medal, which no one at the university has seen, but select few, and which was delivered to him to decorate his office. Pictures of this medal can be found on the AUM Media Matrix but have never been shared publicly with staff. Why not? Should this not be something to be proud of? Not when you buy it with money, rather than genuine contribution!

We contacted Forbes Middle East to inquire about their articles on AUM. It turns out that all of these articles were commercial material. Press releases were sent by AUM. AUM was not contacted by journalists. Actually, AUM paid for these publications. Do not trust AUM when they boast about how papers and magazines write about them. All of this is press releases sent by AUM. The papers publish them either because

1. they had no other material and this was a welcome addition that was already written by someone at AUM or

2. they got paid to publish it.

Seems like Fahad’s greatest preoccupation has always been to shine like the great man he thinks he is. The same professor we spoke to at AUM reported to us that Fahad told the managerial team that he would like to personally deal with anyone publishing online. In case you are among the fearful who think he is too powerful and can do anything to you, this is an illusion. This guy is a master illusionist. If there is an investigation of AUM, the place will fall fast. The recent campaign of AUM wishing happy birthday to the Amir is an example of how scared the institution is and how much it hopes to project a clean face. They hope that with flattery, they will continue to abuse workers’ rights. In fact, nobody knows where Fahad’s money comes from. There is a lack of transparence in his own finances and much as there is a lack of clarity about AUM budget allocation.

Stats

Dear AUM/ACM Management,

We know that you are afraid. How does it feel like? We are glad you feel what we are feeling every single day on the job. To scare you even further, here are some stats. (Thank you ACMAUM Review for the idea – credit goes to you and we hope you do not mind us sharing ours. You beat us so far! Good job!)Stats

And to scare you even further, AUM News Weekly will soon be opening its LinkedIn profile to track all of your job posts and warn all of your potential employees of what an employer you are.

Kind regards,

AUM News Weekly

AUM finally follows AUM News Weekly trends

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You may have noticed the new visuals AUM use for their marketing campaigns. AUM News Weekly is proud to see that AUM finally follows in the Hookah Master’s steps and has chosen for its backgrounds the heavy smoke of hookah. We are also particularly happy that they have finally taken our example and truly accepted their identity. It was high time to show everyone the full extent to which AUM twisted principles of transparence, genuinity and fake dedication may cloud the judgment not only of AUM management but also of AUM lesser gods such as the Marketing Department. Our Hookah Lounge Cafe is open to anyone wishing to comment on this new, innovative idea.