Living in a fish bowl 24/7 is the newest fad at AUM

Our reporters spoke to a few AUMers who were leaving for the holidays. They have reported that the newest fad at AUM is spending all of your day in your fishbowl office.

“It all started with my neighbour who had an informal contest with one of the new guys. They bet 150 KD on how long they can spend in their glass offices without coming out,” one veteran says. “I have been here for 105 days now, 5 days past probation, and I consider myself a real veteran. But I have not seen anything like it. By the next day, one of them had already had breakfast, lunch and dinner in his office, and the other had managed to find a way of napping without getting noticed by the cameras. They gave one another breaks to go and shower in the gym.”

“When AUM put the new glass offices up, we all hated the idea. Imagine the lack of privacy! Because AUM encourages innovative research, I spent several months researching my colleagues’ toilet-going patterns. As my transparent office happened to be in front of the men’s toilet, I had a very good sample of subjects and I could gather big data. We even have the technology now to treat this big data! And now that I have grown to understand them better, through my top-notch research, I am very thankful to actually be sitting in a glass office, rather than a normal one,” another veteran claimed.

“Indeed, transparent offices are proven to increase productivity, efficiently and effectively, as well as kindly,” the winner of the office-sitting contest explained to our reporter. “I have now mastered the art of using all adverbs favoured by AUM management because I can appropriately and professionally see the screen of my neighbour who happens to be in middle management.”

Recent rumors claim that the Provost has proposed a new award to be distributed to AUM faculty – The Transparent Office Excellence Award. It is to be attributed to faculty who have managed to sit in their transparent office for the longest period of time from one academic year to the next. We believe that this will certainly motivate everyone and boost their morale. This award will come in replacement of the university-level excellence awards as their recipients have, until now, proven highly unreliable and have for this reason been terminated with immediate effect.

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List of Accusations by Rumors

AUM News Weekly received some updates via our correspondents whose e-mail addresses we published in previous posts. We are posting one of them below. We have some more of these posts on the go. Be sure to check our blog later on. We are aware that ACMAUMReview has gone private. Do not be afraid to follow their blog privately. They have NOT been hacked. They cannot see your IP addresses and cannot track you if you follow them. These are all rumors. WordPress is one of the safest blog spaces out there and it harbours many activists and people who believe in spreading the truth.

Congrats to the newly terminated ex-AUMers! Fight for your indemnities and good luck in your real life! Bear in mind that you will now hear all sorts of lies about yourselves. Do not pay any attention to that! It is a well-known fact that after AUM terminates faculty, AUM management launch rumors about the terminated people. Here is a list of some accusations that AUM has spread about ex-colleagues of yours!

  1. Writing blogs: AUM terminated many people and accused them of blog writing. They had no proof of that and did it solely based on conjecture. Someone shared with us that AUM claimed to be leading an investigation against them. This cannot happen in Kuwait. AUM cannot investigate anyone and cannot take on its own the role of police. AUM proceeded to announce that it has filed lawsuits against some terminated faculty. This also is a lie. (Note by AUM NEWS Weekly: Some of the rumors say the first to be terminated last academic year were the owners of this and other blogs. This is not true. We have always operated independently of AUM. We only have insiders there.)
  2. Stealing money: It is impossible to steal money through requisition forms when you are faculty. In fact, it is Procurement who usually steal money by arranging themselves with the provider companies who ask higher prices and then divide the gains with insiders from Procurement. Some of the terminated faculty has discovered this scheme and informed management.
  3. Putting their name on someone else’s publication or publishing unethically: while this is true for the Hookah Master, it is not universally true for the other people accused of it.
  4. Trying to promote friends: in the case of HODs, you should know that they have no power to promote anyone. HODs can only recommend, and even in those cases, it is not certain that their wishes are taken into account.
  5. Close contacts with students: By university rule, faculty cannot add students on social media or take their phone numbers. They can only contact them via Moodle or Student Affairs. SA are slow and incompetent. There have been cases of competitions and other events when faculty had no way of contacting students. This has resulted in students not showing up to events, etc. Due to malfunctioning university rules, AUM often blames faculty when students do not show up for events, while faculty cannot do anything about it. In some cases, AUM have gone nuts and accused faculty of visiting students’ homes.

You should not believe any of the rumors you hear. Many of them are spread by AUM management themselves. There are cases where deans spread rumors through faculty, knowing that it will get around quickly. They call someone in, ask them a few questions and have a “friendly” chat. Then, they plant the rumor.

Later on next week we will reveal how AUM tracks ex faculty and present faculty online and how they follow you with fake profiles on LinkedIn. Be sure to check our blog daily.