On Terminations

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OK, it’s not him… Here he is: click to see picture of Fahad!

Dear Readers,

We would like to introduce you to Fahad Al Othman, signing faculty termination papers. On no, wait! He has an authorized signatory to do the dirty work for him. Someone who liked you and who now has to terminate you with no explanation. Because they were given no explanation why they are terminating you. You did everything right, you think. They have decided the opposite. You were yourself as they told you to be. You thought they liked you. Wrong! AUM does not even respect you. You are worth nothing.

But, dear terminated friends, life starts for you now! You are the lucky ones! Life outside AUM is amazing and you will live it fully and happily! But check out the working time table of the person who just terminated you:

Ramadan work timings: 9 am to 3 pm.
HR deal with resignations and terminations at this time.

Night work timings (during the Ramadan, please): 8 pm to midnight.
HR work on completing the work they have had no time completing during the day. They also work on hiring massively new people from Turkey, Bosnia, Albania, Greece and other economically broke places.

They get no over time. They get no thanks. They are only, like all of you, in danger of getting terminated. And they have no choice! AUM – the proponents of modern slavery and management through fear… Well-done! Who is next?

Someone at the Ministry of Labor, please inspect this! Someone at AUM, please be brave and report your employer!

In Support of ACMAUM Review Folks

AUM News Weekly has heard of the reports filed against ACMAUM Review and the other blogs. We would like to express our support of all contributors and all those who maintain these blogs. They are courageous and brave. They have our full support. We are not at war with one another as a commentator said in a comment that we have moderated. We are not allies either – we operate independently.

We have received an anonymous threat accusing us for working for another institution in Kuwait, namely one of the other private universities which we will not cite. This is not true. What we do here at AUM News Weekly is very simple – we publish every single item that is sent to us. We do not request from our contributors to reveal their identity and if they ask us to hide some of the information about them, we do that.

Dear ACM/AUM Top Management,

Here is why you cannot do anything against our blogs:

  1. We are exercising our right to free speech which is guaranteed even in Kuwait.
  2. What is published on all the blogs is one of the three following things:
  • Parody or satire. Humour is allowed even in Kuwait. The fact that you are taking it seriously only speaks for itself.
  • Criticism for the sake of improvement. When you do not listen to constructive feedback, it is bound to get out of hand. When your employees are afraid to talk to their superiors, they come to us! When you mistreat your people, disrespect them, threaten them and suppress their freedoms, they have the right to protest.
  • The simple truth! Go ahead and prove that what is written in the documents we have published is not reality. Many of our correspondents at AUM have sent us mails that we have not published yet. They also are true, whether you have deleted them from your servers or not. To prove any statement about grade changes, one only need look at any CD of any course folder.

Everyone out there has the right to hear the two sides of the story. Your HR personnel tends to hide some parts of the truth to potential employees and it is our duty to inform them of what awaits.

Your HR personnel and even yourselves accused the terminated people of grave mistakes. The mail sent by The Man Himself to the entire university was full of lies. That is why we published it. You have mistreated, threatened and accused many people wrongfully, and in so doing have provoked their anger. Now, you must reap the consequences of what follows.

Go, acmaumreview.wordpress.com! We are proud that you started your own blog and we have added a link to it on ours.

AUM finally follows AUM News Weekly trends

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You may have noticed the new visuals AUM use for their marketing campaigns. AUM News Weekly is proud to see that AUM finally follows in the Hookah Master’s steps and has chosen for its backgrounds the heavy smoke of hookah. We are also particularly happy that they have finally taken our example and truly accepted their identity. It was high time to show everyone the full extent to which AUM twisted principles of transparence, genuinity and fake dedication may cloud the judgment not only of AUM management but also of AUM lesser gods such as the Marketing Department. Our Hookah Lounge Cafe is open to anyone wishing to comment on this new, innovative idea.

Phobia-stricken AUMer ready to do anything

28-year-old multiple probation AUMer Fahad told our correspondent he is ready to do anything.

Fahad developed classroom phobia in his freshman year after attending the class of a dramatically terminated professor whose mid-semester departure left Fahad in a state of utter helplessness as newly-recruited TA from Georgia refused to give him an A.
“Since then, I have been going from office to office. I have also been praying for an A. I am an A student, but everyone refuses to give it to me. I enrolled here because the advertisement said if you believe it, then you will make it happen. So I am trying very hard to make it happen every semester.”

Fahad has already been at AUM for 5 years and is still trying to graduate. His classroom phobia has been worsening as new Ph.D. recruits took over his major.
“Student Affairs told me my disability will be taken into account. They gave one of the doctors the permission to give me a make-up in his office. They also asked another to give me a curve. But they still put me on probation for the 5th time and I have to pay from my pocket.”

Along with his friend Omar, Fahad had to take Introduction to Math no less than 4 times. The first time, they failed it because, according to their statement, “the doctor was told to not have too many As in the section.” In order to balance out the way the grades look, he had to have a couple of Fs, so he selected two of what he thought were his worst students, based on attendance. As Omar and Fahad had accumulated a high amount of late and absent marks due to Fahad’s classroom phobia, the cruel professor failed them on one of the 18 midterms. This was enough to tip the balance in their disfavor.

As Omar and Fahad head towards the local Indian sweatshop to pay for the academic activity deliverable they ordered, Fahad promises our correspondent: “I promise you one thing. I will graduate no matter what! I will have that graduation dinner with my whole family. I am ready to do anything for it. I said to the doctor this semester… Anything, doctor. You name it and I will do it. But give me an A.”

AUM IT = Topmost Security Measures

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IT are doing their jobs at AUM. IT security is a simple thing. You don’t need to study for it at all. All you need is a 2-year course in cyber security and ethical hacking, preferably online.

Then you get a job at AUM. You block anything and everything. Yahoo is dangerous. Gmail is dangerous. Outlook is even more dangerous. Everything out there is out to get you. Youtube is the worst of all. You never know what hackers you will find there and what vital information can be disclosed by going to these sites that everybody uses.

AUM is your home and, therefore, it must be protected. Preferably with a password, containing 1238543058674 characters, a hair from a balding man in his 80ies, 1 special character that evokes a dirty memory, and the name of your favorite AUM manager.

Updates from the New Negativity Group

Now, at AUM, we have three levels of mental breakdowns. These were measured and described by the NNG which has become increasingly active since the appearance of a new blog about the institution.

1) Severe Depression: The most severe cases are reported by The Meek and his close friend Doctor Invisible. Both are taking pills for depression and are not talking to anyone. They have also decided to not contribute to anything. Instead, they are using AUM wi-fi to apply for jobs and are trying to influence colleagues to bring AUM down. They are also two of the new sub-committee, working on ruining ABET accreditation. It has been reported that both have sent e-mails to ABET, describing in great detail how AUM “showcases” best students and puts on a shiny front when they get a visit. The Meek has been able to furnish them with a lot of details from his deanship days.

2) Moderate Depression: Previous business HODs and some of ex-HODs from Engineering, two guys in Math, three guys in SCM, as well as one or two from LAD, along with some ex-AUMers. They are beginning to get organized again and can’t believe that they have not been fired yet despite the warnings, reports and threatening talks in offices with only HR witnesses. A couple of them in LAD and business are working against colleagues to postpone their own firing. Everything they said to their HODs and Dean has been recorded and was leaked by recently fired HR personnel. It seems that a couple of people in LAD wrote very lengthy reports about colleagues. HR are now trying to decide whom to fire first.

3) Bipolar Disorder: This coalition is led by the rest of the LAD people, along with the Engineering TAs (who are active contributors to ACMAUMReview), and some EPP ladies. They all know they will get fired so, on a daily basis, their replies to HOD requests and Spiderfatty are generally in the negative. Their social media posts, on the other hand, are generally in the positive. Hence, their disorder. Some TAs have reported that they have been trying to get themselves fired by starting new blogs, taking example from what happened to Glinda the Good. We can now safely confirm that her two greatest contributions to AUM were the wearing of pink (and other funny colors) and the fashion of getting fired by writing blogs.

The rest of the AUM crowd are keeping it together by taking pills. The local pharmacies in the Egaila malls vicinity can tell you how often they deliver pills for depression to AUM.

Grades Update…

Lo, and behold, AUM has approved the grades! Here is an email conversation between the chain of command regarding grades:

Faculty to Department Chair:

Dear Dr X, Attached are my grades for approval please. Thank you. Kindly,

Department Chair to Faculty:

Thanks. Will look into this.

Department Chair to the Finger:

Here are HRM grades for approval. Kindly, nicely, efficiently and effectively, thanks!

The Finger to Department Chair:

Thanks, will look into it.

The Finger to Spiderfatty:

Here are the grades for approval.

Spiderfatty to the Finger:

Thanks, will look into it.

 

An hour later…

Spiderfatty to the Finger:

Why so many Ds and Fs, and no As?

Finger (worried) to Spiderfatty:

I will get this sorted out asap!

Spiderfatty to the Finger:

Do!

The Finger to Department Chair:

Why so many Ds and Fs, and no As? Can’t you not do your job? Do I have to check everything myself? This is not acceptable.

The Finger is happy (he displayed some power) but still scared of Spiderfatty…

Department Chair to Faculty:

What is wrong with you grades? Do you want to be fired? How long have you been here? You should know better! Why so many Ds and Fs, and no As? You know we try to have a B+ average, don’t you?

Faculty to Department Chair:

Me so sorry, but this is what the students got. You approved all the assignments and exams. Anyhow, let me know how you want the grades to look like and I will fix it.

Department Chair to the Finger:

Look, this is what the faculty said. What shall we do?

The Finger sucking on his finger:

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

The Finger calls Nasser, the I-do-Everything Man:

What shall we do? Please help!

Nasser:

Send me the grades. I and Khalil, the Magic Account, will fix it.

The Finger to Department Chair:

I will fix it and will call you back to tell you what to do.

 

By the time the grades reach Spiderfatty again, a massive curve has caused all Fs to become C+ and most Cs and Ds to become Bs. A few A-students are chosen among those who can spell their names and who did not forget to write them on their assignment sheets.